“ABC, you are too emotional” were the words I kept hearing time and again from people as I grew up. I remember when I was in grade 8, I scored 2 marks out of 10 in an English essay and I was sad for several days thinking I will never be able to write an essay ever again in my life. My sorrow was so deep that my dad had to approach my teacher to tell her I was a sensitive child. Since then, the tag of a “sensitive child” went on to be with me even in adulthood. The breaking point came when few years ago because of not clearing even the preliminary stage of civil services exam(one of the toughest exams in India), I went into depression. “Oh ABC, you need to stop being emotional, be pragmatic and learn to take failures in life” were the next words I heard from people then. I loathed listening to the twin words of “pragmatic and practical” always in life. Even though God healed me of depression, I still would listen to these words that I need to stop getting “emotionally-involved’ with people and be especially careful when the other person was a male because “men are not that emotional as women”. So, I tried hard to take all these advices but somehow I would always falter. I would end up showing my emotions. I would not even reach the ‘p’ of being practical. I sometimes even wished if God made me a male then things would have been so much better. All this emotional turmoil regarding emotions set me to finally question God as to why was I so emotional and how could I change this?
I turned to God and to my amazement, God started showing me things that I had never seen and one by one he broke down everything that I had been believing all my life. God reminded me that all the psalms that I often use to pray and quote to encourage others are not written by women but men. Most of the Psalms that are prayers have been mostly written by David often known as the man after God’s own heart. The Holy Spirit reminded me that few months ago in a bible study, I had learnt that Psalms is one of the poetic books in the bible that relate to our emotions while other books like Proverbs relate to our intellect. It made me think if being emotional was “bad” why would they have a place in God’s word? Surprisingly, psalms 88 even talks of how we can feel so lonely and abandoned at times that it seems only darkness is our friend.
Furthermore, recently, I was meditating on few verses from Jeremiah 17:7-8 that talked of how blessed is a person who trusts in the Lord and even if they have worries in a year of drought, they would be like trees who wouldn’t stop bearing fruit. These verses reminded me of the same poetic language used in psalms and encouraged me so much in times of this pandemic. But who wrote those lines? It was again a man, the prophet Jeremiah as inspired by the Holy Spirit. In fact, Jeremiah was also called as the “weeping prophet”!
Next, God reminded me of a recent incident when I was so emotional while praying for a close friend whose parents were critically ill after being tested Covid-positive. I remember God showing me at that point in time a passage from the bible wherein Jesus, moved by sorrow of his close ones makes Lazarus supernaturally alive again even though Lazarus had already been dead! So, even Jesus Christ on earth was not afraid to show his emotions. In fact, in one of the versions of the bible-The Passion Translation Bible (again a version whose translation has been led by a man with an aim to encounter the heart of God)- it reads:
When Jesus looked at Mary and saw her weeping at his feet, and all her friends who were with her grieving, he shuddered with emotion and was deeply moved with tenderness and compassion (John 11: 33 TPT)
I wonder if Jesus was not moved by emotions would he have mercy and have healed people? If Jesus would have remained guarded by His emotions would he have healed even those people whom He knew would not follow Him? If God would have been “practical” would He even care to suffer the separation from His own son who died on the cross taking the sins of all mankind upon Himself despite knowing that many will still choose to hate His name and reject His love? We say we would learn from our mistakes and not repeat them and be conscious of those who hurt us but God chose to love despite being rejected so many times by His own people, the Israelites. Wouldn’t it seem like God is not learning from the past? Why does He continue to put Himself on the line again and again?
It is then I knew in my spirit that God has made me a human being with emotions to use them for His glory. He wants me to be moved with compassion for people and pray for them even if I do not know them personally. He wants me to give my time and energy to help others in need. I now understand why for so many years I would be so easily moved and even start crying when I would especially see sick persons and poor people. I now understand my strong urge to pray for them and help them even to the point that I could literally feel their pain as my own. This was not because I was some kind of a good human being or anything, rather the compassion I felt was because during those moments the Holy Spirit connected me with God’s heart.
Even in a broken world where misery surrounds us and when people hurt us, I know now I can still take my pain and sorrow to God alone like David, cry endlessly and experience the peace and joy that only God can give me. When God promised me He will guide me and His Holy Spirit would comfort me in distress, I can be confident that He will help me to even bring my emotions under His Lordship so that I do not sin when I am angry, so that I do not use emotions to control people in an ungodly way, so that I do not let myself to be controlled by their emotions and forget what God desires of me, so that in pain I can be close to Him alone, so that I could love the Lord with a passion that penetrates my whole being- my heart, mind and soul, so that I would pray with thanksgiving at all times shunning all feelings of fear and anxiety, so that I could encourage others who are hurt like me and so that I would serve others and look to their needs before mine. My emotions have no meaning without God and only in Jesus alone can my emotions find a true purpose…